The Joke Thread - Page 22 - - The home of the Kawasaki EX500 / Ninja 500R
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post #526 of 530 (permalink) Old 1-27-2016, 9:24 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway on your Z1000.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be very disappointed.
So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops".

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post #527 of 530 (permalink) Old 1-29-2016, 7:57 AM
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Re: The Joke Thread

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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"It is better to remain silent, and thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."

I just mı̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̸̨ade you wipe your screen.
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post #528 of 530 (permalink) Old 7-8-2018, 3:44 AM
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WINDOWS: Please enter your new password:

USER: “cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: “boiled cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: “1 boiled cabbage”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: “50bloodyboiledcabbages”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

USER: “50BLOODYboiledcabbages”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: “50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGi veMeAccessNow!”

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: “ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYour AssIfYouDontGiveMe AccessNow”

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

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post #529 of 530 (permalink) Old 1-30-2019, 4:18 AM
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"What's the difference, between an Audi, and a hedgehog?"

"Hedgehogs have the pricks on the outside..."

(Use whatever car brand is relevant to your area lol)
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post #530 of 530 (permalink) Old 6-27-2019, 10:44 PM
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A man who dreams of being a fire fighter from a young age is finally chosen to tryout. It's not only a physically demanding test which he aced but a academically challenging one as well which he passes but not at the top of the class. Ultimately he is informed to reapply for the next class and to study and use what he has learned in his every day life.
So he returns home and informs his wife he is stoked about his chances and wants to start useing some codes to keep him thinking in a fire mans frame of mind which she agrees on thinking it will make him happy. He precedes to tell her if he says code 1 that means to go up stairs, code 2 is to go in the bed room and code 3 is get ready their going to make love. After trying code 1 and 2 on the first night he chooses the next night to try code 3 and being the always good wife wanting to please she gets ready and he thinks this is great!
After a few minutes he is hard at work and enjoying life when his wife says repeatedly loudly CODE 4.... CODE 4....
With out stopping he ask's what's code 4? She replies very energetically
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Last edited by Avintage69; 6-27-2019 at 11:15 PM.
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