NEVER ASK A GUNNY... (Gunnery sergeant)
A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.
One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears."
The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a femaleLieutenant, and she was even better.
The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also.
The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.
The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question,
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses."
The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" the General asked.
The sharp-witted Gunny replied,
"Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears."
...to prevent media bias...
News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl full of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine."
"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.
So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his rifle, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"
"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you assholes call ME the aggressor?"