Ex-500.com - The home of the Kawasaki EX500 / Ninja 500R banner

1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
130 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Posted Originally by BikMak on Advrider.com

Marine walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.






He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.











The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"











"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."











The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch. What's so special about it?"











The Marine explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."











The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"











"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."











"The woman giggles, and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"











The Marine smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."


:D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
261 Posts
:D ;D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
405 Posts
that's pretty funny
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
343 Posts
So....

A woman is at a dinner party and sees an old, stiff looking man in a military uniform. She decides to have a little fun, goes up to him and asks, "When was the last time you got laid?"

"1954," was his immediate reply.

"Wow, you really should get out more, hon" She says.

The man looks at his watch and says "I don't know what you're talking about, it's only 20:14 right now"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,881 Posts
Boot Camp Joke

Recruit gone AWOL
An oldie...

As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor's office. The instructor asked the young recruit, "Why did you go AWOL?"

The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR."


Generals' Meeting

There was a brief meeting of several Generals and an Admiral.
The Air Force General said, "I think I have finally found a way to show you true guts. "Airman, come here!"
The airman trotted over and came to attention with a brisk, "Yes, sir?"

The Air force General said, "Airman, climb to the top of that flag pole".
"Yes, Sir", came the quick response and up the pole he went.

When the airman reached the top, the General told him to jump.
The airman shouted, "Yes, Sir", and dropped to his death.

The General turned to his peers and said, "now that is guts."
The Army General did the same and the Admiral did too, with the same results as the poor airman.

The Marine General told them they were all full of sh!t and called a Marine Private over.
"Private, climb that flag pole!"

"Sir, yes, Sir!" was the quick response and up the pole he went.
The Marine General then told him to jump.

The Marine Private's response was, "Sir, no, Sir!".

The General than turned to his peers and said, "Now that's guts."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,881 Posts
NEVER ASK A GUNNY... (Gunnery sergeant)

A young Marine officer was in a serious car accident, but the only visible permanent injury was to both of his ears, which were amputated. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the Marine and eventually rose to the rank of General. He was, however very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the General was interviewing three Marines for his personal aide. The first was an aviator, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The young officer answered," why yes, sir. I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears."
The general got very angry at the lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a femaleLieutenant, and she was even better.
The General asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

She replied, "Well, sir, you have no ears." The General threw her out also.

The third interview was with a Marine Gunny. He was articulate, looked extremely sharp and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.

The General wanted this guy, and went ahead with the same question,
"Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Gunny said, "Yes sir; you wear contacts lenses."

The General was very impressed and thought, what an incredibly observant Gunny, and he didn't mention my ears. "And how do you know that I wear contacts?" the General asked.

The sharp-witted Gunny replied,
"Well, sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no freaking ears."



...to prevent media bias...

News Anchor Dan Rather, NPR Reporter Cokie Roberts and a U.S. Marine were hiking through the desert one day when they were captured by Iraqis. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the leader. The leader said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and dismember you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowl full of hot, spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine."

"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his rifle, and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, the Iraqis were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Rather and Roberts, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?"

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you assholes call ME the aggressor?"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,881 Posts
I got these last sets of jokes from: http://www.grunt.com/scuttlebutt/corps-stories/jokes/index.asp


Dirty Ernie

Dirty Ernie was playing in some sh!t, when a Marine Corps PFC saw him and said "Dirty Ernie what are you doing with that ****? Dirty Ernie replied "I'm making a Marine Corps PFC."

The PFC ran off and got his Corporal. The corporal said "Dirty Ernie what are you doing?
Dirty Ernie looked at him, grabbed some more sh!t and said "I'm making a Marine corps Corporal."

The Corporal ran off and got his Sergeant ... the Sergeant said "Dirty Ernie what are you doing? Dirty Ernie looked at him, grabbed some more sh!t, and said "I'm making a Marine corps Sergeant."

The Sergeant ran off to get his Lieutenant. The Lieutenant said "Dirty Ernie what are you doing? Ernie looked up at him and said I'm making a Marine Corps Sergeant"

The Lieutenant looked at him with pride and said "I thought you were going to say you were making a Marine corps Lieutenant" Dirty Ernie looked at him and said "No Sir, I don't have enough sh!t!



SGLI

Private Jones was assigned to the Marine induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman's Group Life Insurance (SGLI).

It wasn't long before the center's Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. "If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Top