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Discussion Starter #1
Pull out your best ones, let's hear um!

1st up:
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.
"Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He held her hand softly, led her to a chair and said, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then. ... "He sighed, "let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."
 

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I just hope we keep the humor on the cleaner side.

Since a blonde joke got us started...

On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.
God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.
The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.
But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"
The blonde said "Huh? Oh, I just now got the first one!!!"
 
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I want to die in my sleep like my dad...not screaming into the side of a mountain like his passengers...
 

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Lucky#13 said:
THAT'S SO TWISTED!! I LOVE IT !
smithmax said:
I want to die in my sleep like my dad...not screaming into the side of a mountain like his passengers...
wow, really really good one, i will deffinately use this. hahaha
 

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Discussion Starter #5
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
------------------------
A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"
she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex
lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
'Mississippi'."
 

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Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent.

The priest said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.
Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections. "

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
 

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I've got several teacher friends whose kids are engineering students or "in the business."
They're gonna love those!

All I have to offer are some holiday stuff that you can spring on your kids or little siblings, or spouses- maybe, but here they are :

What did one Christmas tree say to the other Christmas tree?
I really go fir you!

What did Santa say when his toys misbehaved?
Toys will be toys.

What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
Okay everyone, sack time!!

What did the grape say to the raisin after the harvest?
'Tis the season to be jelly.

What do aliens say when they land in the North Pole?
Take me to your heater.

What do elves learn in grammar school?
The Elf-abet!

What do elves put on their candy canes?
Their tongues.

What do penguins ride?
Ice-Cycles.

What do the reindeer sing to Santa on his birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
Sandy claws.

What do you call a gigantic polar bear?
Nothing, you just run away!

What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?
Lost. (or doomed)

What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
Pour "Santa flush" on him.

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Kringle.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?
The letter "D".

What is a skunk's favorite holiday song?
Jingle Smells.

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
"I am just sick of fruitcake!"

Why did the gingerbread man go to the doctor?
He was feeling crummy.
 

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Since we've started the engineer jokes...
The three things you don't want to hear an engineer say: "Oops", "That's interesting", and "Do you have a bigger hammer?"
 

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Arguing with an engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig.
After a few hours, you realize that he likes it.


4 Golfers on Sunday

Four men are on the golf course one Sunday morning, and as they were about to tee off one of them, a car dealer, says that he had a confession to make. "You know, guys, this golfing on Sunday mornings is costing me an arm and a leg. I had to give my wife a Lexus that is fully loaded in order for me to be able to come golf with you every week."

The second man, a well known realtor, says, "That's nothing, I had to buy my wife that mansion up on the hill and put it in her name only so that I could come."

The third man, a travel agent says, "I can top that, I had to send my wife and daughter to Paris for two weeks for a shopping spree. I have no idea how much that's gonna end-up costing me."

The fourth man, the engineer, doesn't say anything, so they asked him about it. He says "Well... it's no big deal for me at all. I just roll over Sunday morning and say to my wife: 'intercourse or golf course', and here I am, just like that."


The Airplane

A programmer and an engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away, and tries to sleep. The programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I'll ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" Now, that got the engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question, "what is the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the programmer $5.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50, turns away, and tries to return to sleep.

The programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well? What's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the programmer and returns to sleep.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Luke Skywalker gets up on Christmas morning, goes downstairs to find Darth Vader sitting in the Lounge.

Darth turns to Luke and says "I know what you're getting for Christmas". Luke says, "How?". Darth replies "I felt your presents".
 

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A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor
golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through
the window of a nearby house.

The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and
finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on
a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken
oil-lamp.

The husband asks: "Did we break that too?" "Yes", replies the
man.

"Sorry. Do you live here?" the husband asks.

"No, actually, I'm a genie." The man states. "I was sleeping in
that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, I'm supposed to
give you three wishes, but I'm keeping one for myself since you
smashed my lamp. OK, what'll they be?"

The husband thinks a moment: "First, make my wife a better
golfer." "Poof! She's a better golfer", the genie announces.

"Second, I want a million bucks a week for life." "Poof! you
get a million bucks a week", the genie announces.

"Good. OK, what do you want?" asks the husband. "For my wish. I
want to have my way with your pretty wife," grins the genie.

"Hmmm", the husband hesitated, "I guess that's all right. After
all, she broke your lamp, you've made us rich, and our golf
games will be much more interesting. Go ahead."

So the genie and the wife retire to the bedroom. After several
steamy hours the "genie" says to the wife: "How long have you
known your husband?" "Ten years," she replies. "How long has he
believed in this genie stuff?"

:D
 

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> Gerry buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several
> weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and
> phones a vet for help. The vet tells
>
> him that he should try artificial insemination.
>
>
>
> Gerry doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but,
>
> not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how
>
> he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells
>
> him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and
> wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
>
>
>
> Gerry hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to
>
> the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the
> sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into
>
> his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex
>
> with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
>
>
>
> Next morning, Gerry wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are
> all still standing around, he deduces
>
> that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land
>
> Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs
>
> each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back,
>
> and goes to bed, exhausted.
>
>
>
> Next morning, he wakes to find his sheep still just standing around. "Try
> again," Gerry tells himself, and proceeds to
>
> load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends
>
> all day "shagging" the sheep and upon returning home, falls into bed,
> totally exhausted. The next morning, he cannot
>
> even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
>
> He asks his wife, Ellen, to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in
> the
> grass.
>
>
>
> "No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of
>
> them is beeping the horn."
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Damn Tax Man

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit
the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the
Rabbi and said:

"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the
candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all
the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete ****.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Oh i got a good one for Wisconsin folks...

Winter Blonde



A trucker stops for a red light and a blonde pulls up behind him. She jumps
out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window and she says 'Hi, my name is Heather and you
are losing some of your load.' The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She
jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, 'Hi my name is Heather, and you are
losing some of your load!'

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the
blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the
window. Again she says 'Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!'

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

'Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in WISCONSIN and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!
 

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INNOCENT PUNS ;)

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
 

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Lucky#13 said:
When the FOG lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.
I can't believe you sometimes ! ::) ;D

ARGHHHHhhhhhh.... I totally missed that! :eek: Good catch! :)

Yay FOG! 8)

 

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DON'T CALL HOME FOR MONEY!

> A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream,
>
> "Where did you get that car???!!!"
>
> He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
>
> "With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
>
> "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
>
> So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
>
>
> "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
>
> "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who
> knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
>
> So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in
> the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of
> the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
>
> "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business
> trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't
> intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new
> Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
 
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